Pregnancy After Loss

Maybe you noticed the rainbows filling social media last month and wondered what all the fuss was about.  After all, Pride Month was in June.  August 22, 2022 is National Rainbow Baby Day.  What does a rainbow baby mean? A rainbow baby is a baby that is born after a loss (miscarriage or stillbirth), the sunshine after a storm, so to speak.

While many people embrace this term, there are also many people who do not.  

“The baby I lost was not a storm” or “The sadness is not over once the rainbow comes” are just a few thoughts as to why some people don’t find comfort in this term.

No matter what you call it, pregnancy after loss is a minefield.  You never know when trauma will rear its ugly head in the months of carrying a baby after loss.  Long gone are the days of saying things like, “We are having a baby in October.” or planning things in the future.  

Common fears in a pregnancy after loss can be seemingly small, such as, “Will I be dishonoring my baby if  I reuse the baby blankets I had for them for the new baby?” all the way up to, “Is this baby coming home with me?”  All fears are valid and no fear is too insignificant.  One of the most resounding fears, I have experienced in dealing with families pregnant after loss is that the baby carried after loss is in any way a replacement.  Remembering loss in physical, real ways can be a great comfort.  Saying a name, lighting a candle, or remembering specific dates are ways to give weight to the loss even if a healthy pregnancy is occurring.

In regards to the actual birth part of a pregnancy after loss.  The experience, most of the time, can trigger memories that bring back feelings of fear, lack of control, or even panic.  The absence of a heart beat in a room, the rush of a doctor, the way the monitors glow can bring up past feelings when someone is trying to bring life into a room that previously had held death for them.  Having a trained doula who is familiar with the complexities of this can be the difference in feeling empowered and just getting through it.

In regards to losing a child, every journey is different and every parent copes differently.  I think one of the greatest tools in supporting parents in this season is to not feel alone.  Join a bereavement group, share your story and see how many other people have been in your shoes.  Know that your feelings are valid, that your fears are legit.  Also, to see parents who have gone before you and have held life while grieving death, is important. 

Experiencing a pregnancy after a loss is a hard place to be in.  Holding space for grief and joy at the same time is tricky but not impossible.  Don’t be silent, don’t be alone.

National resources:

https://www.facebook.com/pregnancyafterlosssupport/

https://pregnancyafterlosssupport.org/

https://rtzhope.org/pregnancyafterloss

Local resources to Asheville, NC:

https://www.fertilepeace.com/ashevilleinfertilitycounseling-4

https://www.rachelsgift.org/infant-loss-support-groups.html

https://www.pregnancyafterlossdoula.com/